Come Back Go Far

You've crawled underneath my skin again
And I fight to keep you away
Why it should work now I do not know
But I try nonetheless
Perhaps it is the challenge
Or that I do not have a choice
The skills required cannot be acquired and I am
Helpless
My only savior is that you are unaware of the strain
That you do not consciously bring with you this disease
But still you have left me hopeless
One has to wonder how long before you catch on
And my wall will crumble
How long before this act will be discovered
Before it ends
Before everything ends

Never Stay

Sometimes I cannot tell whether the plans are the future or a lie
Aren't we all just hoping
That we don't fall apart
Each day just a chance
We speak of what we know nothing about
And pretend to be so sure
But certainty is elusive
We are all changing
We are shifting
Becoming something else before we knew what we were
And it happens too quickly


I found this in my bedside table tonight. I'm not sure when I wrote it, but it was in the past 2 months.

Harlequin

Your words
Insincere and full of contempt
Are gone
It is so final that I can almost hear this resolution shutting you out
I will not lie this time and pretend that it was easy for me to put an end to what seemed to be
Such an incredible phase in my life
But then again
I have always given you much undeserved credit
When really
You were not good enough to be the ground that I tread upon
And yet I worshiped you
Past tense
Because now I see realistically what must have happened
And again I can look ahead
Though you've taken that piece of my heart that allows me to love by any measure
Though the shadowy grey disposition of depression hangs overhead
Though the shifting is still incomplete
And my memories will never be erased
Though I sometimes still think of you
In love and in hate

I know that you are much worse off
In your vile attempts
In your pathetic excuse for a life
Perhaps under the hand of my bitter ramblings on and admirably eloquent phrases
These which are quick to steal the last bit of dignity that may cling to your unremarkable existence
So lacking
So without impact
Probably not worth writing about
But I suppose my brief lack of elitism is to blame to those who must hear of you
If by chance we are alike
And they have spent infinite wasted time trying to pretend you never were
Ever so sorry to those
But never to you

I'm still afraid
But no longer in fear that I will not burn again
But that the heat of such an affair was merely imagined
Everything is twisted again
And the lights are out

I'll manage

If It Can't Be Explained

When I experienced life
Not just tactile sensation
Everything brighter
But the disappointment great
The sleepless nights and countless regrets
Mistakes
Some things are better left unsaid
But when you have no control
It just all comes out anyway
People will leave you after all
Everyone wants something
It is so easy to be crushed by it
But there is always a fallback
That feeling again
And so it continues
So it does not end

Decrepit

What is it that makes us fear
What is yet to come
Things we know innately about ourselves
Push us too far
We see the edge creeping closer
Our feet slip
We lose strength
But I am pushing back
Without solidity to support myself
Just a thought that I hold onto
Keeps me resisting
Keeps me fighting
Fading

Winters Shade

Trying so desperately to reach out
But refusing to move an inch
Wrapped warmly in
The safe nook of my mother's abandonment
This house which is so wholly mine
Bundled in the acceptance of isolation
In the purity of silence
And the resurrection of assurance
Keeps pushing me on to stillness
Towards the depths of waters so black and undisturbed
Yet so disturbing
In the consciousness and hyper-intensity
Senses alerted
To the desensitization and apathy
To the irony

Dusk

I just found this poem in a purse, which happens, and is always a bit exciting.
I wrote it on October.14th/08



Oh how new
How bright and possible this could seem
I hesitate with my words
Cautiously optimistic
A tie that promotes our disconnect
However much it is mutually welcomed
I hope there is a thought seeded in the back of your mind
Subconscious desire
I do possess such a thought
Overwhelming is its presence
And oh how new
You seem
You are

Black

Center of attention
Can't avoid the drama
This side that won’t disappear
This girl that keeps emerging
She succeeds because not even I can ignore her
Fun so much fun
Trouble
Careful with this one
Keep your shit straight
Or maybe give in?
So easy to just let her win
It isn't hard to start to
Love it

Evaporation

The scissors gleam in the pale glow of the lamp. The towel is pressed against the crack of light which may creep through the door. She works at a maddening pace: she snips away, first her torso and then her face. She whittles away at the flesh and fire. The metal pierces the skin of her cheek but no blood will flow for she is cold. Every passion ripped to shreds, eyes vacant, and stomach hollow. Looking in the mirror there is so little left. She can see this but cannot stop herself from taking just one more swipe. Just one more, again and again; she repeats the phrase until her breath is shallow and the insanity has waned. She peers again into the looking glass. She stares for so long but can see nothing. She has been erased, though she was never there. She does not weep, does not despair. The pain is gone and she is pure as air.

Stars

If dreams could come true you would never depart
No separation
Which only makes me miss you terribly
As does time and all else
As for affections you know where they lie
Clearly you've caused this
Sudden clarity
So please only accept
This unique brand of intensity

Sacred

You are the sweetest of blossoms
The brightest of stars
It is not seeking that allows one to see
But the opening of arms
In the wake of loss you are kept faith
Ashes fall and pain subsides
You are the ease that has come
The light

Reset

Would it have been so difficult
To admit aloud
That I am quick to put a foot
In closing doors
Keep it alive for just
One more day
It has not eased my breath
But the truth has untangled and is no longer
Clawing at my throat
Beneath my chest
Somewhere hidden from lingering eyes
Looking close enough perhaps they will catch
A glimpse of what must be released
And last night did it gasp for air
When for you
I set it free

Holding Me Above

You keep me from regretting
All the things I'll never have
With him
Or anyone who thinks they're good enough
Even though they're not
Nothing can compare and they can't replace
The intensity
It's meant to be
Although this place is not ideal
One year could pass or ten
I would still be standing by your side
With or without any of them

Veil

I admit I may have misjudged you
To judge at all
So wrong
Your genuine laugh and enthusiasm
Stories
Thank You
For being open when I was not
For proving me wrong
Articulating some interest which I could not comprehend
I never knew we got along
Thank You
For filling the empty moments with words that keep me astounded
At the simplicity of your character
And how I may have misinterpreted your niceties for some pretense
Just don't try too hard
To prove me right all along

Maudlin

Oh life,
Whatever happened to difficulty?
Whatever happened to our fights?
All of a sudden you are so welcoming
Unexpected adoration

Was it only last week that we were estranged?
How quick you are to reconnect
Connect?
It is like our first time
Immersed

For love I will work to keep you
If you do return the favor
Favor me and in turn
I will remain enamored
Perhaps I will not fall for darkness

My old crush
A threat

Remember When

You and your mystery
Even when you say it all
I am still so unaware of the feeling behind it
Of your motives or lack thereof
The absence of history only adds to this confusion
Months of distance
While I was close with another
Pull me
Trying to bridge the gap that we created
If only I had known
To look up from infatuation
See past fallacy to friendship
And acknowledge the possibility of a better choice
But I did not want honesty and so instead I chose lies
Not now
We speak
And I try to decode the messages that I cannot wait to receive
Full of similarities
And with you around I don't feel so alone
Which once seemed impossible
But I guess
So did this

Some Day This Day

Thankfully
This plan has not fallen through and left me unrooted
My world does still spin
Has not crashed
And in this change I find relief
And disbelief at the ease
How unwilling I was to accept
That this life does not have to be so difficult
That help can be most welcome
And available
This shift is not just physical
A moving of possessions and direction to home
This is the warm embrace of a family which has left me shocked
And shivering
But I will recover and come to find that the heat is not too much
And that maladjusted will not apply
And that I may apply myself
That there is belonging
And that the searching is no more
That the hurt
May soon be
No more

Tide

Tears are not tears quite
When there is a limitless stock
When the flowing is not burdened by ebbs and by strain
So constant they should not come as a shock
But every drop awakens
Every inch every thought;
Like poetry comes
And does not stop

To Love Heathcliff

"It would degrade me to marry Heathcliff now; so he shall never know how I love him: and that, not because he's handsome, Nelly, but because he's more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same; and Linton's is as different as a moonbeam from lightning, or frost from fire."
Emily Bronte
Chapter 9, Wuthering Heights
Catherine

Chai Tea and My Bedroom

I hate writing poems about you
Hate - I could say it a million times over and still it would not be true
How I do hate that
I have been renovating my life
Clearing you out
Cleaning one cut at a time (They never heal)
I do not need pictures, and how glad I am to be without them
Though it feels dreamlike this is real
Others have seen
Do so remember
Why can I not erase you?
Why won't you leave?
Perhaps it is because I am keeping bits of you with me
Holding onto tokens of sadness
Thumbing memories like an old charm between two fingers
Unable to let go
Perhaps it is because I fear there will never be anyone to replace you
There will never be another you
To love and hold
For hurt

SOS

Sometimes hopelessness strikes you in a moment of greatness
When turning a corner to something better
When it is least appreciated and most inconvenient
When you have no idea how to fix your life
You thought it was just fine
But reality sets in and it is impossible to ignore the proof
That it is possible there were some things you overlooked
Some issues
Uncertainties that are weighing at your chest and sharpening your breath
They are burning in your throat and the words will not come out
To ask for help
But even if they would
What is the problem?

Drought

I cannot decide if I want to hold on for dear life
Or for you to walk away
To vanish visibly as you have gradually for the last years
These small rips will not reknit or be mended by hope
I have learned too many times that it does no good
Perhaps this is simple
I should wish you to go
I cannot stop you from leaving eventually
Even if I am the one who is gone
Emotionally you are vacant
An empty house abandoned in the midst of a storm
Will not wait for finer weather
For the clouds to pass and the rain to dry
Even if the thunder has lessened from a deafening screech
To the shallow beat of loneliness
Which lacks the ability to strike lightening
Lacks the ability to harm
But does not lack the desire
Is not hallowed of its bitter virtues
Nor is it stripped of the potential
If you had stayed planted in this dysfunction would you survive
Or would I die either way
Thirsting for that which you will not provide

Too Late

Do not tell me what to do
Or who to be
Or what is right
Do not try to express concern because
It is unwarranted and so very unnecessary
Infuriating
Inexplicable ignorance
There is no way to say to describe what is mine
My life
My choice
The pain is mine to suffer through
Alone
Even if it is
My life
My choice
Even if you deem it so very unnecessary
That is the rub the difference between us
The same views on two different points
Collide and cannot combine or compromise
In this circumstance
My life

Sick Faith

Somehow you know that you will not fail
It is the inexplicable confidence
And the fearlessness that peaks the interest
Of the others
Breath at your shoulder
A glimpse of what the future holds
The world is your playground
You make the rules
Who is to decide what is fair for you?
No one should say what is cruelty
When you are the victim and infliction
You make the rules
They are yours to abandon
Will you be so careless as to exercise such a right
If you know that it is wrong?

Move

Tears will never help
They only distract
And we turn to them again and again
Pathetic really
One should not be so naive as to believe
That release could mean you've healed the pain
That such heartache could be dissolved
By the salty surrender that accompanies our sadness
That things could turn around
So quickly
We misunderstand
What low really is
When you think you've hit rock bottom
Look down

Window

Wasteland
Barren and full of sorrow
Troubles trapped in hearts grown full
Of disappointment and regret
The city's swept with anger
And darkened by discourse
So much left to clean away
If only the patterns would cease
If only the politics would be absolved
Perhaps this place could flourish
Return to sullen contentment
Not so bothered by this change
Ice consistent

Inheritance

Watch me move on to the one of the past
Present and Future
I'm still saying yes
You made me that girl but now it's held true
Because I mean it and want it and
Have it
Because it's exactly how I feel
I mean to be honest and faithful throughout
I want to maintain this odd balance we've found
What is it that I have?
One cannot possess another but she has my heart
I know that you knew this from the very start
So thank you to fate and a beautiful quote
"Not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke-
of luck"(dalai lama)

Message Deleted

Entertaining the notion that you're not what you seem
But is it who you have been or who you've become
Becoming?
Is this transformation complete with the closing of doors
Or is there hope for you yet with those left behind
Now leaving you behind
In the dark and in dust
With the shadows we cart
Trying to shake loose what we've disowned
Unable to trust

Unable to heal with the wounds left exposed
While you insult through action
You break all your windows
You burn every bridge
There will be nothing left
By the time you remember
Who you once wished you were
And who you could have become
Now you cannot return
You know nothing of love

You Said Goodbye

I'm planning your funeral
Believe me, you're dead
Your heart is hollow
Likewise vacant is your bed
The love has all gone
And not one tear is shed

There is such a relief
Such a sense that it's right
That this is the justice
That fixes the fight

Because nobody cares
If only in spite
Because nobody knows
Death can live in plain sight

Nightmare

Shifting
Fading
The darkness encases me
Is this a dream or
A warning
In the silence my body will not move
Paralyzed by fear
Reminds me
Of a poem I once heard
"Once asleep - who knows if we'll wake again?...Listen, the alternative is-/everlasting sleep. Your - everlasting house!"(tsetaeva)
Who is to say
If I will ever escape

Tattered

I tried to write to get you back but ended with goodbye
And now the shadows have been removed
Though I wished them away for months at a time
I feel adversely now that the book has closed
I yearn for air filled with dust from our pages, the ones we left unturned
I remember bent and much-abused binding
I remember how you once were
I've put you away on a shelf for good
No more reading to try and make sense
I haven't opened another but I've put us down
And I'll soon forget the words you recited
Those wanton volumes - unfinished - now burned

Forgotten

Disappointment follows you, does it not?
Do the eyes not follow in disgust?
Does the mocking tone not haunt your dreams?
How do you manage stifled screams?
These answers I know very well
I know of living in this hell
And worse is when you find the path
That leads you out but still you're trapped
And you refuse to take those steps
You try to salvage what is left
But nothing's left of sanity
Which vanished
And now there's
Only a blank canvas to call your life
Too little to show for
Such strife
Too little to have for
Wanting

Impossible

Indiscernible from unconsciousness
The everyday state that follows us
That we latch like a child to key and hip
And claim their dependancy is the cause

We know that this is just a farce
This is a fruitless act of protection
This is fear reincarnate and we will further deny
Any truth or any reason

How do we maintain this balancing trick
Is it slight of hand or lack of sight
Does anyone care to view what is trying to be hidden
Or are they afraid that they are not able

Promise Is A Pending Lie

If I am scared to put my breath to flame
It is because the embers linger too near
And the possibility of ignition overwhelms
When I display passivity towards this dwindling
I am simply exercising caution and
Respect for the mistakingly controlled

Everything can burn too bright
And we will be left blinded by
The distrust and misconceptions

If I hesitate to strike this match
It is because my prayers to dampen may not suffice
And so freely do you douce with fuel
Where I stand may be an indicator
Of the comfort I so clearly lack
Where there was once a welcomed spark

Anything can catch too soon
And we will be left with burns and
Scars that serve as reminders

Of a time that is not forgotten

Midnight

How can I discern
What I know and what I don't
What I want and what I'm taught
This aching for substantial assurance is growing more painful each day
Each letdown
Each fallback
It is not easy to disassemble the anatomy of such confusion
To delay its strife
To say that everything is okay when it so clearly is not
How can I communicate the gravity of my situation when
I am not centred or grounded to demonstrate
Who am I to say what is the truth when
I can't tell right from wrong
It switches so quickly
From light to pitch black
And I am left to my own devices
With no instructions
And not a clue

Forward

Something has changed though I cannot decide
If it is palpable or just something that I have wished for
I know for sure
By the way your arms linger
Release in embrace
Reluctantly
I am convinced by
The smile that you carry around as carelessly as you keep me
So sure
That your steps fall easy and I can only hope that my breath will mimic one day
After all the hoping I cannot see a resolution
But I cannot see a problem either but
Something has changed
Something in your eyes
In my disposition and in my head
Likely something in your heart
Switched

Drumroll please...

I've written a lot of poems, many of them personal. At times I feel that they are too intimate to share, especially given the possibility of the subjects recognizing themselves. But poetry is art, and art is meant to expose. And so I am posting ALL of my poems herein.

A Secret That Shows

How I fretted
Oh, how I did not know
That the burden would not be so heavy
That I would not be able to let go
It has only been two months' time
And the memories will soon wane
But perhaps I am left with a souvenir
A pleasantry from a time of pain
This clandestine hope of mine
This wishing that I am forced to hide
Choices criticized but I will not sway
It's a secret I will keep with a swell of pride
It's a secret that will stay

Monday's Cure

Unravelled are the seconds and the indiscernable personae
In this drug-induced euporia that traps me wholly.
Lights and stars spinning through the windows; those dirty panes.
Those which were so clean before the filth of complication;
Which did not yield to the achings that grew stronger in our rampant company.

If only men could be of glass
And girls did not pretend
To be of porcelain and lace.
But the scene is set in stone
With the solidity of unquestioned tradition.

Irreputable were the promises made in haste,
And with ill trepidation did she linger to appease.
But do not think we are so alike
That I would bet with the body that carries me.
I would trip the hand that guides you near; disinterest

If only time could be erased
And moments did not stretch
To allow that of which we wish to rid ourselves.
Perhaps if dark was everlasting
Or if this night was not a stage.

If I meant to cause no harm.
If you were not so careless with my profferings.
Remember fool, the actress' mask,
Though painted well,
Will never last.

Pining

There is a desire within me so strong I know not of how to speak of it
There are no words that can sum up the frantic beating of my heart
My racing pulse
No phrase comes to mind to describe the heavy fluttering through my core
No quip to conceal the unwanted expression I bear when you are near
For so much feeling, there is such an excess of lacking
I did not predict that I would be this way
I did not imagine such grandiosity
It seems as though you repair my wounds as swiftly and exceptionally as you cause them
There is a desire within me so strong I know nothing of how to deal
I cannot cope with your gravitation towards me
I want you desperately and yet
I feel as if it is you who is filled with wanting
For I can compose no words that describe the haunted look on your face
The hallow waters of your eyes as you look upon mine
Ravenous for such a delicacy once passed
Ironic, I seem like something now so inaccessible
When all I want you to do is reach, to grasp
To seize

When The Pawn

When the Pawn hits the conflict he thinks like a King
What he knows throws the blows when he goes to the fight
And he'll win the whole thing 'fore he enters the ring
There's nobody to batter when your mind is your might
So when you go solo you hold your own hand
And remember that depth is the greatest of heights
And if you know where you stand then you'll know where to land
And if you fall it won't matter 'cause you'll know that you're right

Fiona Apple