Holding Me Above

You keep me from regretting
All the things I'll never have
With him
Or anyone who thinks they're good enough
Even though they're not
Nothing can compare and they can't replace
The intensity
It's meant to be
Although this place is not ideal
One year could pass or ten
I would still be standing by your side
With or without any of them

Veil

I admit I may have misjudged you
To judge at all
So wrong
Your genuine laugh and enthusiasm
Stories
Thank You
For being open when I was not
For proving me wrong
Articulating some interest which I could not comprehend
I never knew we got along
Thank You
For filling the empty moments with words that keep me astounded
At the simplicity of your character
And how I may have misinterpreted your niceties for some pretense
Just don't try too hard
To prove me right all along

Maudlin

Oh life,
Whatever happened to difficulty?
Whatever happened to our fights?
All of a sudden you are so welcoming
Unexpected adoration

Was it only last week that we were estranged?
How quick you are to reconnect
Connect?
It is like our first time
Immersed

For love I will work to keep you
If you do return the favor
Favor me and in turn
I will remain enamored
Perhaps I will not fall for darkness

My old crush
A threat

Remember When

You and your mystery
Even when you say it all
I am still so unaware of the feeling behind it
Of your motives or lack thereof
The absence of history only adds to this confusion
Months of distance
While I was close with another
Pull me
Trying to bridge the gap that we created
If only I had known
To look up from infatuation
See past fallacy to friendship
And acknowledge the possibility of a better choice
But I did not want honesty and so instead I chose lies
Not now
We speak
And I try to decode the messages that I cannot wait to receive
Full of similarities
And with you around I don't feel so alone
Which once seemed impossible
But I guess
So did this

Some Day This Day

Thankfully
This plan has not fallen through and left me unrooted
My world does still spin
Has not crashed
And in this change I find relief
And disbelief at the ease
How unwilling I was to accept
That this life does not have to be so difficult
That help can be most welcome
And available
This shift is not just physical
A moving of possessions and direction to home
This is the warm embrace of a family which has left me shocked
And shivering
But I will recover and come to find that the heat is not too much
And that maladjusted will not apply
And that I may apply myself
That there is belonging
And that the searching is no more
That the hurt
May soon be
No more

Tide

Tears are not tears quite
When there is a limitless stock
When the flowing is not burdened by ebbs and by strain
So constant they should not come as a shock
But every drop awakens
Every inch every thought;
Like poetry comes
And does not stop

To Love Heathcliff

"It would degrade me to marry Heathcliff now; so he shall never know how I love him: and that, not because he's handsome, Nelly, but because he's more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same; and Linton's is as different as a moonbeam from lightning, or frost from fire."
Emily Bronte
Chapter 9, Wuthering Heights
Catherine

Chai Tea and My Bedroom

I hate writing poems about you
Hate - I could say it a million times over and still it would not be true
How I do hate that
I have been renovating my life
Clearing you out
Cleaning one cut at a time (They never heal)
I do not need pictures, and how glad I am to be without them
Though it feels dreamlike this is real
Others have seen
Do so remember
Why can I not erase you?
Why won't you leave?
Perhaps it is because I am keeping bits of you with me
Holding onto tokens of sadness
Thumbing memories like an old charm between two fingers
Unable to let go
Perhaps it is because I fear there will never be anyone to replace you
There will never be another you
To love and hold
For hurt

SOS

Sometimes hopelessness strikes you in a moment of greatness
When turning a corner to something better
When it is least appreciated and most inconvenient
When you have no idea how to fix your life
You thought it was just fine
But reality sets in and it is impossible to ignore the proof
That it is possible there were some things you overlooked
Some issues
Uncertainties that are weighing at your chest and sharpening your breath
They are burning in your throat and the words will not come out
To ask for help
But even if they would
What is the problem?

Drought

I cannot decide if I want to hold on for dear life
Or for you to walk away
To vanish visibly as you have gradually for the last years
These small rips will not reknit or be mended by hope
I have learned too many times that it does no good
Perhaps this is simple
I should wish you to go
I cannot stop you from leaving eventually
Even if I am the one who is gone
Emotionally you are vacant
An empty house abandoned in the midst of a storm
Will not wait for finer weather
For the clouds to pass and the rain to dry
Even if the thunder has lessened from a deafening screech
To the shallow beat of loneliness
Which lacks the ability to strike lightening
Lacks the ability to harm
But does not lack the desire
Is not hallowed of its bitter virtues
Nor is it stripped of the potential
If you had stayed planted in this dysfunction would you survive
Or would I die either way
Thirsting for that which you will not provide

Too Late

Do not tell me what to do
Or who to be
Or what is right
Do not try to express concern because
It is unwarranted and so very unnecessary
Infuriating
Inexplicable ignorance
There is no way to say to describe what is mine
My life
My choice
The pain is mine to suffer through
Alone
Even if it is
My life
My choice
Even if you deem it so very unnecessary
That is the rub the difference between us
The same views on two different points
Collide and cannot combine or compromise
In this circumstance
My life

Sick Faith

Somehow you know that you will not fail
It is the inexplicable confidence
And the fearlessness that peaks the interest
Of the others
Breath at your shoulder
A glimpse of what the future holds
The world is your playground
You make the rules
Who is to decide what is fair for you?
No one should say what is cruelty
When you are the victim and infliction
You make the rules
They are yours to abandon
Will you be so careless as to exercise such a right
If you know that it is wrong?

Move

Tears will never help
They only distract
And we turn to them again and again
Pathetic really
One should not be so naive as to believe
That release could mean you've healed the pain
That such heartache could be dissolved
By the salty surrender that accompanies our sadness
That things could turn around
So quickly
We misunderstand
What low really is
When you think you've hit rock bottom
Look down

Window

Wasteland
Barren and full of sorrow
Troubles trapped in hearts grown full
Of disappointment and regret
The city's swept with anger
And darkened by discourse
So much left to clean away
If only the patterns would cease
If only the politics would be absolved
Perhaps this place could flourish
Return to sullen contentment
Not so bothered by this change
Ice consistent

Inheritance

Watch me move on to the one of the past
Present and Future
I'm still saying yes
You made me that girl but now it's held true
Because I mean it and want it and
Have it
Because it's exactly how I feel
I mean to be honest and faithful throughout
I want to maintain this odd balance we've found
What is it that I have?
One cannot possess another but she has my heart
I know that you knew this from the very start
So thank you to fate and a beautiful quote
"Not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke-
of luck"(dalai lama)

Message Deleted

Entertaining the notion that you're not what you seem
But is it who you have been or who you've become
Becoming?
Is this transformation complete with the closing of doors
Or is there hope for you yet with those left behind
Now leaving you behind
In the dark and in dust
With the shadows we cart
Trying to shake loose what we've disowned
Unable to trust

Unable to heal with the wounds left exposed
While you insult through action
You break all your windows
You burn every bridge
There will be nothing left
By the time you remember
Who you once wished you were
And who you could have become
Now you cannot return
You know nothing of love

You Said Goodbye

I'm planning your funeral
Believe me, you're dead
Your heart is hollow
Likewise vacant is your bed
The love has all gone
And not one tear is shed

There is such a relief
Such a sense that it's right
That this is the justice
That fixes the fight

Because nobody cares
If only in spite
Because nobody knows
Death can live in plain sight